Why

Why can't I be perfect?
Maybe if I was he would like me instead but I'm not. I'm not.
But she's perfect and everything about her is just amazing he loves her and then I'm just a fucking fat-ass that no one likes.
Maybe if I were perfect I wouldn't have to sit in front of the toilet everyday and purge up all that I ate, maybe I would be skinny and pretty without bulimia.
Is it bad that I want to switch to bulimiarexia because maybe then at least I'd be skinny enough to have an eating disorder...but I'm not.
If I were perfect I could eat whatever I want whenever I want without people looking at me like the pig I am. If I was perfect I wouldn't have scars up and down my legs, but you what? I like my scars. I want more. If I was perfect, however, they would be gone because if I were perfect my life wouldn't fucking suck the way it does now. If I was perfect maybe someone would love me, maybe anyone would love me. Just one person, that's all I ask. Ugh if I were perfect I wouldn't be so fucking stupid.
Maybe if I were perfect my father wouldn't have abused me, he would have been proud of me he would have had no reason to call me all the things he did, and do all the things he did. If I were perfect he would have treated me like his own child, I'd have two parents but if I had a kid as fat ugly disgusting stupid wasteful hideous coward idiotic loser asshole bitch fucking waste of life as I was, I'd hate them too. So he's really not to blame.
I want to starve myself.
I want thin.
I want pretty.
I want perfect.
And if I don't get perfect, I'll get as close as possible - skinny.
-Ren