Honestly, I don't know if you'll ever see my blog. Maybe someday. And if you do, I have to thank you. You saved my life. I was going to die. I attempted suicide, failed, and when I was going to try again, you saved me. I don't know how to thank you. Literally, it means the world to me, everything that I'll ever be able to do in life is because of you. Without you I wouldn't be here. I'll thank you everyday if my life because without you that day wouldn't exist. You mean the world to me, and now you made my world exist so I just don't know what to say. I'm so sorry for putting this on you as well, you have enough with a cutting girlfriend and all. I really shouldn't have came to you, and I feel terrible about it, but I guess it was worth it. You saved me. I love you. I love you so so very much. Just thank you, how will I ever make it up to you? I love you.
(Not posting my fake name this time)
And to everyone else who reads this blog. Yesterday someone saved my life. He saved me. Honestly he's the best, I can't describe how much he's done for me. I would be gone without him. I just can't describe, I think I'm in shock but I just love him, he saved me. He saved me..
Ren
Thursday 13 March 2014
help me
Everything's hurting right now and I don't really know what to do it just hurts so bad, everything is wrong I can't find one thing right left in the world. When I see myself sometimes I just ask 'how the fuck did I turn out like this, where did I go wrong' and I just don't know what to do, I don't know I what to do....I'm so lost and alone and empty right now, it's so hard, it's killing me I don't understand, I can't take it anymore it's all too much please someone help I'm so lost. No one gets it, no one cares, even if they say they care they don't. I'm so fucking lost right now. I feel like my life is coming to an end. I don't know what to do...no one loves me and I'm just dying please I'm dying it hurts so much it all hurts it's all crashing my whole life is falling apart I'm lost and hopeless and endlessly in pain it doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense please someone care about me please oh my god what is happening this hurts oh dear gosh it hurts why why why why why why why oh god oh god please please why is this happening let it stop oh my gosh no no no no no I'm in so much pain I'm so scared someone fucking save me I don't know what to do I don't know what to do. I'm just just good enough of a person for anyone to care it's too much I'll never be saved oh please someone help me.
Please Someone Care, Please
Once again I feel like no one gives a shit about me. This feeling is becoming all too familiar. And no one gets eating disorders, they don't. Cutting is all some big ass shit to them, but eating disorders...nahhh nothing much. No way you can compare those things. But what the literal fuck. Eating disorders...they're just as bad, or worse.
I'm so lost right now.
It's insane.
I'm all alone.
Please, someone read this and comment just so I feel one person gives a shit.
I'm lost.
No one understands.
And even if they do, they don't care.
Help me please.
Ren
I'm so lost right now.
It's insane.
I'm all alone.
Please, someone read this and comment just so I feel one person gives a shit.
I'm lost.
No one understands.
And even if they do, they don't care.
Help me please.
Ren
Why
Why can't I be perfect?
Maybe if I was he would like me instead but I'm not. I'm not.
But she's perfect and everything about her is just amazing he loves her and then I'm just a fucking fat-ass that no one likes.
Maybe if I were perfect I wouldn't have to sit in front of the toilet everyday and purge up all that I ate, maybe I would be skinny and pretty without bulimia.
Is it bad that I want to switch to bulimiarexia because maybe then at least I'd be skinny enough to have an eating disorder...but I'm not.
If I were perfect I could eat whatever I want whenever I want without people looking at me like the pig I am. If I was perfect I wouldn't have scars up and down my legs, but you what? I like my scars. I want more. If I was perfect, however, they would be gone because if I were perfect my life wouldn't fucking suck the way it does now. If I was perfect maybe someone would love me, maybe anyone would love me. Just one person, that's all I ask. Ugh if I were perfect I wouldn't be so fucking stupid.
Maybe if I were perfect my father wouldn't have abused me, he would have been proud of me he would have had no reason to call me all the things he did, and do all the things he did. If I were perfect he would have treated me like his own child, I'd have two parents but if I had a kid as fat ugly disgusting stupid wasteful hideous coward idiotic loser asshole bitch fucking waste of life as I was, I'd hate them too. So he's really not to blame.
I want to starve myself.
I want thin.
I want pretty.
I want perfect.
And if I don't get perfect, I'll get as close as possible - skinny.
-Ren
Maybe if I was he would like me instead but I'm not. I'm not.
But she's perfect and everything about her is just amazing he loves her and then I'm just a fucking fat-ass that no one likes.
Maybe if I were perfect I wouldn't have to sit in front of the toilet everyday and purge up all that I ate, maybe I would be skinny and pretty without bulimia.
Is it bad that I want to switch to bulimiarexia because maybe then at least I'd be skinny enough to have an eating disorder...but I'm not.
If I were perfect I could eat whatever I want whenever I want without people looking at me like the pig I am. If I was perfect I wouldn't have scars up and down my legs, but you what? I like my scars. I want more. If I was perfect, however, they would be gone because if I were perfect my life wouldn't fucking suck the way it does now. If I was perfect maybe someone would love me, maybe anyone would love me. Just one person, that's all I ask. Ugh if I were perfect I wouldn't be so fucking stupid.
Maybe if I were perfect my father wouldn't have abused me, he would have been proud of me he would have had no reason to call me all the things he did, and do all the things he did. If I were perfect he would have treated me like his own child, I'd have two parents but if I had a kid as fat ugly disgusting stupid wasteful hideous coward idiotic loser asshole bitch fucking waste of life as I was, I'd hate them too. So he's really not to blame.
I want to starve myself.
I want thin.
I want pretty.
I want perfect.
And if I don't get perfect, I'll get as close as possible - skinny.
-Ren
Wednesday 12 March 2014
Twentieth Post
When you're in love people say that you lose possession of your heart, and leave it in the hands of the one you love. They can choose to cherish or break it.
He has my heart.
But he has hers too.
And while he delicately cares for hers, and gives it his attention and love.
He leaves mine, lying, empty and hopeless.
I don't think he means to.
But he has my heart, with no chance of return soon, and he's forgot about it.
It is collecting dust, second best to the one who he exchanged with, and now I'm left alone.
Hopeless. But not shattered, not fully. Cracks are spreading like a spiderweb across my heart and slowly getting nearer and nearer to the point of no return.
All that can fix it, is his love.
The only thing he cannot offer is his love.
Now I'm waiting until he realizes what he means to me or it's too late and my irreplaceably broken heart, to tack on to my list of issues.
Sometimes it breaks completely and he does just enough to patch it up to save me from next time, but I want true love, not this.
-Ren
[im so sorry you have to read this :(((]
He has my heart.
But he has hers too.
And while he delicately cares for hers, and gives it his attention and love.
He leaves mine, lying, empty and hopeless.
I don't think he means to.
But he has my heart, with no chance of return soon, and he's forgot about it.
It is collecting dust, second best to the one who he exchanged with, and now I'm left alone.
Hopeless. But not shattered, not fully. Cracks are spreading like a spiderweb across my heart and slowly getting nearer and nearer to the point of no return.
All that can fix it, is his love.
The only thing he cannot offer is his love.
Now I'm waiting until he realizes what he means to me or it's too late and my irreplaceably broken heart, to tack on to my list of issues.
Sometimes it breaks completely and he does just enough to patch it up to save me from next time, but I want true love, not this.
-Ren
[im so sorry you have to read this :(((]
Good and Bad Foods to Purge
Good: Ice cream. Definite number one. Unhealthy. Delicious. Easy to purge. And liquids and tasty and doesn't taste like normal vomit. It comes up easy and sorta brings up stuff with it.
Hot chocolate. Yes yes yes. Better coming up then going down.
Anything liquid.
Soup and oatmeal. Though not as tasty as other foods, I find.
Shredded cheese. It comes up in globs, I dunno, it's pretty good.
Cereal (what are those ones with the colourful marshmallows that comes up the best in one glob all easily) with milk or not, either way works.
Anything like with a ton of liquid really.
Rice and noodle-y crap.
Anything cheap in bulk....we can make exemptions for price :P
Colourful stuff. For the fun of course when you have rainbow vomit :DD
Coke, sprite, fizzy drinks, simplify it coming up.
Milk and yoghurt.
Bad: Bread and similar products. It's so hard to get up, and I'm sure we've all seen that think, lumpy mass of mucus-y waste that was once bread that we busted our ass to vomit out.
Chips. The sharp edges.
Melted Cheese. Apparently it lines your stomach and makes it harder to vomit.
Peanut butter. Ever had to vomit a whole jar?? Oh the pain...
ANYTHING RED. If you're vomiting red food, and there's blood in your vomit, you'll never know. Similarity, if you eat something red you don't recall, then vomit it, you'll think it's blood.
Spicy food. Hurts like a mofo.
Meat. I've heard of numerous people dying from vomiting meat...it's very easy to choke on. But it's no big issue for me :)
-Ren
Hot chocolate. Yes yes yes. Better coming up then going down.
Anything liquid.
Soup and oatmeal. Though not as tasty as other foods, I find.
Shredded cheese. It comes up in globs, I dunno, it's pretty good.
Cereal (what are those ones with the colourful marshmallows that comes up the best in one glob all easily) with milk or not, either way works.
Anything like with a ton of liquid really.
Rice and noodle-y crap.
Anything cheap in bulk....we can make exemptions for price :P
Colourful stuff. For the fun of course when you have rainbow vomit :DD
Coke, sprite, fizzy drinks, simplify it coming up.
Milk and yoghurt.
Bad: Bread and similar products. It's so hard to get up, and I'm sure we've all seen that think, lumpy mass of mucus-y waste that was once bread that we busted our ass to vomit out.
Chips. The sharp edges.
Melted Cheese. Apparently it lines your stomach and makes it harder to vomit.
Peanut butter. Ever had to vomit a whole jar?? Oh the pain...
ANYTHING RED. If you're vomiting red food, and there's blood in your vomit, you'll never know. Similarity, if you eat something red you don't recall, then vomit it, you'll think it's blood.
Spicy food. Hurts like a mofo.
Meat. I've heard of numerous people dying from vomiting meat...it's very easy to choke on. But it's no big issue for me :)
-Ren
Eighteenth Post: Weight gain
I went from 127 pounds.
To 140.
I'm a fucking fat ass.
-Ren
Edit: down to 136
To 140.
I'm a fucking fat ass.
-Ren
Edit: down to 136
Alone
For some reason I'm feeling really empty and alone lately. Maybe it's because I'm sitting in a dark, small room, silent, with no one to talk to. But there's just something...missing inside me. I can't really explain it, it's like this gaping hollow in my chest. My life is shattering to pieces, my life crashing down around me. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure it feels like, all it know is that it doesn't feel nice, I don't feel alive. I'm numb. Pain is better than this. My normal headache is gone, which I should be happy, but it would almost be welcome at the moment just so I can feel. Normally my heart at least has pain and love, but right now I feel nothing. Nothing. Is this normal? How do I fill the hole in my chest, it's confusing. My life is crumbling to bits, if I've lost feeling now what does that make me? Normal things that would fill my heart with joy give just a twinge, almost non-existent of happiness, things that would make me sad are just...there. I'm in a rut, devoid of emotion, and it just confuses me, but I don't really care anymore. I'm bored with life. I exist, I'm alive, but I don't feel, I don't know. I need someone to talk to but I can't bother anyone with my boring existence, it's all just nothing. I have no purpose, no will to love, I'm just stuck here with no way out, I'm lost, I'm alone. I'm empty, I'm empty.
-Ren
-Ren
Sixteenth Post: Escalation
I started bulimia and thought I would do it for two months, once a week, so I could lose weight.
Here I am, a year and a half later.
Vomiting everything I put in my mouth.
Vomiting at school. Vomiting at home. Vomiting at restaurants. Vomiting at other peoples houses. Doesn't matter to me.
I vomit until I bleed, until I see bile, until I pass out.
I vomit until someone stops me, or I die.
I started cutting to cope with bulimia and to stop flashbacks. I said I'd only do it rarely, and always use clean objects to cut (or my nail to scratch).
Here I am, half a year later.
Cutting even when I'm not that sad.
I just like the sting.
I cut at home and at school. No one would know.
I started not liking myself.
Now I despise, I hate, I loathe every inch of my body, every ounce of me is disgusting. A waste. Every word that comes out of my mouth is stupid and regrettable. Every action I take should be taken back.
I started being secure.
Now, I don't really know what I am.
-Ren
Here I am, a year and a half later.
Vomiting everything I put in my mouth.
Vomiting at school. Vomiting at home. Vomiting at restaurants. Vomiting at other peoples houses. Doesn't matter to me.
I vomit until I bleed, until I see bile, until I pass out.
I vomit until someone stops me, or I die.
I started cutting to cope with bulimia and to stop flashbacks. I said I'd only do it rarely, and always use clean objects to cut (or my nail to scratch).
Here I am, half a year later.
Cutting even when I'm not that sad.
I just like the sting.
I cut at home and at school. No one would know.
I started not liking myself.
Now I despise, I hate, I loathe every inch of my body, every ounce of me is disgusting. A waste. Every word that comes out of my mouth is stupid and regrettable. Every action I take should be taken back.
I started being secure.
Now, I don't really know what I am.
-Ren
Fifteenth Post: What Causes Bulimia
Low Self Esteem, Abuse, Rape, Trauma, Bullying, Stress, Pain, Hurt, Fear, Depression, OCD, Genetics, Peer Pressure, Society, Life Changes, Self Loathing and the list goes on...
So all of you out there who fucking say bulimia isn't a problem. You know what. Just fuck off. Why don't you try to live a day in my life and fucking grow a pair. When I die, bulimia will be an issue, but until then, there is no fucking way you'll give two shits.
Stop fucking telling me eating disorders are easy and overcome-able, and just based on weight loss. Fuck you. I'm fucking bulimic because my father hated me because I was fat so he used me to get laid because he couldn't fucking get himself. And because the girl down the street played out her sexual fantasies with me. I'm bulimic because no one fucking gives a fucking crap about me and whether I live or die.
Have you ever had to vomit up everything you eat, even if you know it will take up the last of your energy and slowly destroy you? Doubt it.
Have you ever seen blood in your vomit and not known if you're going to die or not? Doubt it.
Have you ever passed out, had your hair fall out, your nails chip, and innocence fade? Doubt it.
Have you ever stuffed your face till you were bulging, and still eaten more? Doubt it.
Have you ever been such a fat-ass low-life loser, that if your vomit still looks appetizing, and your hunger is uncontrollable, that you stuff it back in your face as an attempt to fix it, make things better, take back the relapse? Doubt it.
Have you ever had to hurt the one you love the most by telling them that you still think about suicide each and every day, and lay out your plans to them? Doubt it.
Have you had to accept that you're dying and have no way to stop it? Doubt it.
I want you to fucking see that this isn't something small. Why don't you fucking get it because maybe if you did, my life would be saved. And then the coward fucking dick you are you go say 'bulimia isn't a problem'. WHY DOES NO ONE HAVE TIME FOR THE ISSUE THAT IS KILLING ME??
Why do I have to fucking suffer in silence, only to be hushed when I speak up because I'm 'just doing it for the attention.' FUCK MY GODDAMN LIFE, NO ONE GETS IT DO THEY???
Now don't you even fucking think of telling me that what I'm going through is easy.
You know what. Fuck you.
Ren
So all of you out there who fucking say bulimia isn't a problem. You know what. Just fuck off. Why don't you try to live a day in my life and fucking grow a pair. When I die, bulimia will be an issue, but until then, there is no fucking way you'll give two shits.
Stop fucking telling me eating disorders are easy and overcome-able, and just based on weight loss. Fuck you. I'm fucking bulimic because my father hated me because I was fat so he used me to get laid because he couldn't fucking get himself. And because the girl down the street played out her sexual fantasies with me. I'm bulimic because no one fucking gives a fucking crap about me and whether I live or die.
Have you ever had to vomit up everything you eat, even if you know it will take up the last of your energy and slowly destroy you? Doubt it.
Have you ever seen blood in your vomit and not known if you're going to die or not? Doubt it.
Have you ever passed out, had your hair fall out, your nails chip, and innocence fade? Doubt it.
Have you ever stuffed your face till you were bulging, and still eaten more? Doubt it.
Have you ever been such a fat-ass low-life loser, that if your vomit still looks appetizing, and your hunger is uncontrollable, that you stuff it back in your face as an attempt to fix it, make things better, take back the relapse? Doubt it.
Have you ever had to hurt the one you love the most by telling them that you still think about suicide each and every day, and lay out your plans to them? Doubt it.
Have you had to accept that you're dying and have no way to stop it? Doubt it.
I want you to fucking see that this isn't something small. Why don't you fucking get it because maybe if you did, my life would be saved. And then the coward fucking dick you are you go say 'bulimia isn't a problem'. WHY DOES NO ONE HAVE TIME FOR THE ISSUE THAT IS KILLING ME??
Why do I have to fucking suffer in silence, only to be hushed when I speak up because I'm 'just doing it for the attention.' FUCK MY GODDAMN LIFE, NO ONE GETS IT DO THEY???
Now don't you even fucking think of telling me that what I'm going through is easy.
You know what. Fuck you.
Ren
Lost count post :Why bulimia is worse than cutting
No one understands how deadly and terrible bulimia really is. Like compared to self-harm, people are all 'oh my gosh, cutting yourself is terrible and a mental illness,you can die from it'. They have no time to even think about bulimia about eating disorders, they don't care. No one understands. WHY DOES NO ONE GET IT???? When I tell anyone I cut and make myself vomit, all they care about is the cutting. They make it out as a major deal. The fact that every so often, it's a little hard to deal, so I bring a shard of glass to my skin. I hurt myself, not anyone else. But why don't they care about bulimia. The whole reason I cut is bulimia. I'm dying. Not from cutting, not from a scratch and a little blood. But from vomiting blood, tearing up my esophougus, constant pain. My throat aches all day, I see blood in my vomit. I hate the very sight of food because I know I have no choice but to vomit it up. There's no other option. I can't stop. I can't help it. I'm lost. I pass out all the time, I'm so weak, so tired, so exhausted, my mind and body aren't up for this. Cuts you can handle. Constant vomiting, you cannot. I want people to understand, that the fact I vomit isn't like a 'oh you're just trying to diet, it'll go away' thing. It's a 'how much time do I have left before the side effects kill me' kind of thing. There is no rate of mortality for self-harm. It's hard to kill yourself with that unless you want to. It's controllable. Bulimia isn't controllable, it's a different voice in my head that hates me that torments me that beats me up that hurts me that wants to kill me. It's a voice that never goes away, that controls my thoughts that makes me hate myself. It makes me want to die. Bulimia never goes away either, there's that nagging voice in the back of your head always saying 'you're not good enough' 'why can't you be skinny like her?' and just comparing me to every girl that is skinnier, prettier, better than me. Bulimia wants me to be thin and will take my life if that's what's it costs....be skinny or die trying. Now I'm not saying cutting isn't a problem, I know it is, but compared to bulimia, it's much smaller, and that's what bother me is no one gets it. I've experienced both. I should know. I wish that people would understand what I'm going through, that people would care, I need someone to get that what I'm feeling isn't utter insanity, but right now I'm all alone..
-Ren
-Ren
Thirteenth Post: Stats
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
Overall 3.9% mortality rate of bulimia.
1.1 to 4.2% of women have bulimia at some point in their lives.
50-75% of calories are typically absorbed before purging (this is bull, I bet, they're just trying to make us stop by targeting our biggest fear - fat)
The average bulimic vomits 11 times a week (I'm so much more than that)
80% of 'recovered' bulimics relapse within 3 months.
Without treatment, mortality rate escalates to 20%.
90% of cases are female.
Nearly totally prevalent in Caucasian people only.
Most bulimics are normal weight, making it difficult to detect.
The youngest known case of bulimia is 6, however is is extremely rare to develop under the age of 13
(I was 12, so extremely rare....)
Also, genetics can contribute to ED....personally my grandmother is anorexic, my aunt was anorexic and I'm bulimic...we covered all three generations.
There's a very high chance I'll commit suicide statistically because abuse + bulimia + cutting all ups your chances a loooot...
So how do you like your chances?
Personally, I'm not too pleased. It's really hard to recover. Why can't we just eat all we want and not gain weight? Ha, nope.
-Ren
Overall 3.9% mortality rate of bulimia.
1.1 to 4.2% of women have bulimia at some point in their lives.
50-75% of calories are typically absorbed before purging (this is bull, I bet, they're just trying to make us stop by targeting our biggest fear - fat)
The average bulimic vomits 11 times a week (I'm so much more than that)
80% of 'recovered' bulimics relapse within 3 months.
Without treatment, mortality rate escalates to 20%.
90% of cases are female.
Nearly totally prevalent in Caucasian people only.
Most bulimics are normal weight, making it difficult to detect.
The youngest known case of bulimia is 6, however is is extremely rare to develop under the age of 13
(I was 12, so extremely rare....)
Also, genetics can contribute to ED....personally my grandmother is anorexic, my aunt was anorexic and I'm bulimic...we covered all three generations.
There's a very high chance I'll commit suicide statistically because abuse + bulimia + cutting all ups your chances a loooot...
So how do you like your chances?
Personally, I'm not too pleased. It's really hard to recover. Why can't we just eat all we want and not gain weight? Ha, nope.
-Ren
Twelfth Post: Worst Bulimia Stories
Yeah here's the ones we all wanna hear, my embarrassing moments of failure. But this blog is completely anonymous so you don't know who I am haha. Well let's see. Gosh this is gonna be major awkward...
1. One time I had a big binge and purge. Like to the point I was all wobbly after and couldn't think straight. So I did this particular purge in the shower, for simplicity, onto the towel I normally do before carefully lifting that vomit-y towel up and placing the vomit in the toilet to be flushed. It went fine, I put the vomit in the toilet (saving flush for appropriate time when I wasn't supposed to be showering), went back to the shower to rinse off the towel and ended the shower. Like usual. Anyway, I changed, rinsed the vomit out my mouth etc, etc. and left the bathroom. Then I went downstairs with my family for like 3 hours. Then I went upstairs to my room, and was chilling there, right, normal. My mom was about to use her washroom...and then I realized. I forgot to flush the vomit down. If she saw, she'd know I was bulimic. I sprinted out of my room, and there my mom was about to go into the washroom. I ran in before her, shut the door, and flushed the toilet immediately, before realizing it might be suspicious to flush so early. I came out, and my mom was like 'huh?' Blamed it on my period. Nailed it.
2. Vomiting up like dinner and a small binge afterwards, only to find lots of red streaks through it. I couldn't figure out what I ate that was red...after some examination, I determined it blood. There was a lot. Thankfully, that hasn't happened since, just small amounts of blood if I vomit something that like irritates my throat.
3. Vomiting at school. Eugh. It gets me every time. It's hard because I use my hand unlike normal (or pencil, but those can break easily under the pressure (yes it's happened)) and I literally get it all over my face and hands during it. But there's no sink with the toilet so I have to wipe it all off with toilet paper, then wash my hands. It's such an effort. Worth it though.
4. This is embarrassing, once I vomited, I think chocolate ice cream. But I didn't wash it completely off my mistake (I had a small splotch on my cheek ugh) and my mom pointed it out. She thought I ate
something and had it on my face. No, I vomited it...
5. Ah more awkward. Um well, you see, ya know how when you vomit and it kinda splashs back. Well there's that of course, to many extents we've experienced that. But sometimes it like goes up and hits other things too. That happened. Brown vomit. My family thought someone pooped all over the place because I wasn't able to get it all off in time. It was so awkward I'm telling you...
6. The most embarrassing, shameful, pride- killing one of all. You think I'm gonna share it with you? Think again, I'm not. Okay jkjk since I know the person reading this I'll tell you coz I trust you but it's really awkward. So basically once I relapsed after being clean for a little bit and I was pissed that I did to I tried to 'take back' my relapse....fuck this is awkward. Anyyyywaayyyyyysss vomit tastes like shit.
-Ren
1. One time I had a big binge and purge. Like to the point I was all wobbly after and couldn't think straight. So I did this particular purge in the shower, for simplicity, onto the towel I normally do before carefully lifting that vomit-y towel up and placing the vomit in the toilet to be flushed. It went fine, I put the vomit in the toilet (saving flush for appropriate time when I wasn't supposed to be showering), went back to the shower to rinse off the towel and ended the shower. Like usual. Anyway, I changed, rinsed the vomit out my mouth etc, etc. and left the bathroom. Then I went downstairs with my family for like 3 hours. Then I went upstairs to my room, and was chilling there, right, normal. My mom was about to use her washroom...and then I realized. I forgot to flush the vomit down. If she saw, she'd know I was bulimic. I sprinted out of my room, and there my mom was about to go into the washroom. I ran in before her, shut the door, and flushed the toilet immediately, before realizing it might be suspicious to flush so early. I came out, and my mom was like 'huh?' Blamed it on my period. Nailed it.
2. Vomiting up like dinner and a small binge afterwards, only to find lots of red streaks through it. I couldn't figure out what I ate that was red...after some examination, I determined it blood. There was a lot. Thankfully, that hasn't happened since, just small amounts of blood if I vomit something that like irritates my throat.
3. Vomiting at school. Eugh. It gets me every time. It's hard because I use my hand unlike normal (or pencil, but those can break easily under the pressure (yes it's happened)) and I literally get it all over my face and hands during it. But there's no sink with the toilet so I have to wipe it all off with toilet paper, then wash my hands. It's such an effort. Worth it though.
4. This is embarrassing, once I vomited, I think chocolate ice cream. But I didn't wash it completely off my mistake (I had a small splotch on my cheek ugh) and my mom pointed it out. She thought I ate
something and had it on my face. No, I vomited it...
5. Ah more awkward. Um well, you see, ya know how when you vomit and it kinda splashs back. Well there's that of course, to many extents we've experienced that. But sometimes it like goes up and hits other things too. That happened. Brown vomit. My family thought someone pooped all over the place because I wasn't able to get it all off in time. It was so awkward I'm telling you...
6. The most embarrassing, shameful, pride- killing one of all. You think I'm gonna share it with you? Think again, I'm not. Okay jkjk since I know the person reading this I'll tell you coz I trust you but it's really awkward. So basically once I relapsed after being clean for a little bit and I was pissed that I did to I tried to 'take back' my relapse....fuck this is awkward. Anyyyywaayyyyyysss vomit tastes like shit.
-Ren
Eleventh Post
I eat because I'm sad
I'm sad because I'm fat
I'm fat because I eat
I swear it never ends.
Like either I gotta not eat when I'm sad (I don't know how else to deal...)
Be happy that I'm such a fat-ass loser whore (yeah good luck with that)
Or eat and not gain weight
That's where bulimia comes in.
That's where it gets confusing.
Plus it's a huge misconception that bulimia actually makes you lose weight. Like calories begin to absorb in ten seconds or something insanely quick right? So the calories of the binge begin to absorb immediately, but you eat so much it evens out to a fair amount of absorbed calories. And you have to get it all up too. Or else you'll just get fat food inside you and gain lots of weight. And sometimes it's hard to get up. Like when all bathrooms are occupied for like an hour after eating (btw vomit within one hour of eating or no point, too many absorbed calories...but don't vomit) which causes such a panic attack, or you eat a whole jar of peanut butter which doesn't come up well. Or your bathroom time limit runs out. But we all still do it huh? And then there's those miracle people who it works great for...cue the jealousy.
But generally just get the calories and food outta there asap and you should be fine for weight loss.
xoxo
Ren
I'm sad because I'm fat
I'm fat because I eat
I swear it never ends.
Like either I gotta not eat when I'm sad (I don't know how else to deal...)
Be happy that I'm such a fat-ass loser whore (yeah good luck with that)
Or eat and not gain weight
That's where bulimia comes in.
That's where it gets confusing.
Plus it's a huge misconception that bulimia actually makes you lose weight. Like calories begin to absorb in ten seconds or something insanely quick right? So the calories of the binge begin to absorb immediately, but you eat so much it evens out to a fair amount of absorbed calories. And you have to get it all up too. Or else you'll just get fat food inside you and gain lots of weight. And sometimes it's hard to get up. Like when all bathrooms are occupied for like an hour after eating (btw vomit within one hour of eating or no point, too many absorbed calories...but don't vomit) which causes such a panic attack, or you eat a whole jar of peanut butter which doesn't come up well. Or your bathroom time limit runs out. But we all still do it huh? And then there's those miracle people who it works great for...cue the jealousy.
But generally just get the calories and food outta there asap and you should be fine for weight loss.
xoxo
Ren
Tenth Post
I have some major issues with sleeping. There's so many reasons to contribute to it at this point, that I'm surprised at the fact I ever sleep. Like, currently 5:23am. Blogging. Yup, that's my life. Anyways I seem to be having some issues with sleep, we don't get along much anymore. Which is bad, we used to be the best of friends. I have always had some form of insomnia I guess. But still, that's something a lot of people have. Then there's the nightmares. Don't get me started on those. The flashbacks. The terror in them. Just the fear itself keeps me from sleeping. Then there's the bulimia. For some reason people with ED's don't sleep much, or so I've heard. Which sucks. We need it more than normal people do, I mean, hello, we starve ourselves and vomit repeatedly each day, which really isn't that good for your mental or physical state. But goodness, I am just so tired right now. How will I ever function, I mean really, like this...? No wonder I'm like passing out and napping unlike before. And grades. Grades are dropping so much. So quick. Really, bulimia, you've taken over my life already. It's enough at this point. I'll never be able to get a job or anything. Gotta get skinny and hot then marry rich :P or learn to live without sleep, more likely. But I WILL get skinny. One day. It's on my bucket list now...oh along with sleeping. Ugh so tired.
-Ren
Ninth Post
Mm I need food. I'm really hungry right now, so I'm gonna do an ideal binge plan for later.
Chinese food. Please. Chicken balls and rice and that funky red sauce and noodles and greasy, fatty all you can eat goodness. Now someone get me Chinese food right now.
Donuts. I don't know why. Just like Timmies 12 pack, assorted, eat them all in one sitting (and then basically die while purging because bread products don't do so well coming up)
Cupcakes. Oh my goodness. (Plus icing is pretty much the same coming back up...bonus!)
Cold pizza. Yes. Day old. Pepperoni and pineapple or something.
Ice cream...come on you had to see that coming. Best bulimic food ever. Easy in, easy out. Comes up cold and delicious. Almost like it was never with a bunch of acid in your stomach....but really it's great to eat, it helps things come up nicely and it tastes great, it's so easy to eat a carton or two or three or more of ice cream and it comes up easy. I like it with all my binges.
Chocolate. As much as physically possible to shove in my fat face.
Turkey or something...like ya know lunch meat. Anyways so good okay, eating it straight up :))
Pickles. Okay that's my PMS speaking.
Cheese. Anything cheese.
Kraft Dinner. Shove two boxes of it in the microwave, eat the rest of the binge food while it's cooking and eat that after, it's like the only way to binge, okay. So hi-cal tho. I'm afraid if any of it stays down.
Burgers and Fries. Onion rings too. Preferably Wendy's. Doesn't really matter though, if it tastes like a burger, count me in.
Pancakes. With butter and maple syrup and all that.
Omelettes. As many eggs as possible and loaded up.
Baked potatoes. Yes. Twice baked preferably. And sour cream and bacon and all that crap.
Hot Chocolate. Do you know how good Tim Hortons white hot chocolate tastes while purged? It is heaven. The only thing that's better coming out than going in...
Doritos. Bad because sharp. But damn they're good, and bright orange colour (I used to colour code
my binges, so I would vomit all one colour. I'm such a weirdo)
Sushi. My biggest binge and purge ever was sushi. Oh so painful I couldn't walk straight for days that purge was so huge. Like must of been a weeks worth of food. The pain...Worth it.
Popcorn. The one that they sold at school was best. It came up easy.
Chicken. I used to hate meat, now that I purge it, things have changed, chicken is easy to get up.
Christmas Dinner. Such a bad time of the year to vomit, but what can we do?
Whipped cream. I could go raid fridge for that now....but I don't feel like vomiting.
oh please someone get me foood
-Ren
Chinese food. Please. Chicken balls and rice and that funky red sauce and noodles and greasy, fatty all you can eat goodness. Now someone get me Chinese food right now.
Donuts. I don't know why. Just like Timmies 12 pack, assorted, eat them all in one sitting (and then basically die while purging because bread products don't do so well coming up)
Cupcakes. Oh my goodness. (Plus icing is pretty much the same coming back up...bonus!)
Cold pizza. Yes. Day old. Pepperoni and pineapple or something.
Ice cream...come on you had to see that coming. Best bulimic food ever. Easy in, easy out. Comes up cold and delicious. Almost like it was never with a bunch of acid in your stomach....but really it's great to eat, it helps things come up nicely and it tastes great, it's so easy to eat a carton or two or three or more of ice cream and it comes up easy. I like it with all my binges.
Chocolate. As much as physically possible to shove in my fat face.
Turkey or something...like ya know lunch meat. Anyways so good okay, eating it straight up :))
Pickles. Okay that's my PMS speaking.
Cheese. Anything cheese.
Kraft Dinner. Shove two boxes of it in the microwave, eat the rest of the binge food while it's cooking and eat that after, it's like the only way to binge, okay. So hi-cal tho. I'm afraid if any of it stays down.
Burgers and Fries. Onion rings too. Preferably Wendy's. Doesn't really matter though, if it tastes like a burger, count me in.
Pancakes. With butter and maple syrup and all that.
Omelettes. As many eggs as possible and loaded up.
Baked potatoes. Yes. Twice baked preferably. And sour cream and bacon and all that crap.
Hot Chocolate. Do you know how good Tim Hortons white hot chocolate tastes while purged? It is heaven. The only thing that's better coming out than going in...
Doritos. Bad because sharp. But damn they're good, and bright orange colour (I used to colour code
my binges, so I would vomit all one colour. I'm such a weirdo)
Sushi. My biggest binge and purge ever was sushi. Oh so painful I couldn't walk straight for days that purge was so huge. Like must of been a weeks worth of food. The pain...Worth it.
Popcorn. The one that they sold at school was best. It came up easy.
Chicken. I used to hate meat, now that I purge it, things have changed, chicken is easy to get up.
Christmas Dinner. Such a bad time of the year to vomit, but what can we do?
Whipped cream. I could go raid fridge for that now....but I don't feel like vomiting.
oh please someone get me foood
-Ren
Eighth Post
Is it normal that I love him more and more each day
I'll see him, doing any completely normal thing. Something anyone else could do. But he just looks so...different? And my heart swells and damnit something inside me melts. I just love him so much I didn't understand love to this extent was capable. He could do anything and still be perfect in my eyes. He's really the only good thing in my life right now. Without him, I'm afraid I wouldn't be here to be posting this. Love is so strange, but here I am, deeeeep in it. People say love hurts. Love doesn't hurt. Pain hurts. The fact that he's the most amazing person on the world and I would do anything for him doesn't hurt, that's love. The fact he stares off at his girlfriend when he thinks no ones watching, when he calls her beautiful and says he's never met anyone that compares to her, that hurts. But that's not love. Not for me. For him it's love, for her it's love, for me it's pain. But pain is where my expertise lies. Love is foreign and new to me.
When my life comes crumbling down around me a smile of his can put it back together.
When I want to take a knife to my skin, when I want to vomit up my feelings just thinking of how happy he makes me can stop it.
When I was going to thinking about, I talked to him that day, we talked about my previous attempt. I was going to do it. But. He was there me, somehow, the things he said, he understands that my life isn't easy and he's there for me that's what matters. I can't die because one day I'll need to be there for him when he needs it. I just hope it all won't become too much.
He's really the most wonderful that that happened to me and I love him more than anyone else. He is the most trustworthy, kind, smart, nice, compassionate, intelligent, handsome person in the world (yes I can be certain of that even though I have not met everyone in the world...yet). Not to mention he can take my constant mistakes when I say too much or do something wrong...
And the day I'm stupid enough to give him the link to my blog here...he'll prolly forgive me for the 828838838398383773th time :D .....aw I just love him so freaking much....
-Ren
I'll see him, doing any completely normal thing. Something anyone else could do. But he just looks so...different? And my heart swells and damnit something inside me melts. I just love him so much I didn't understand love to this extent was capable. He could do anything and still be perfect in my eyes. He's really the only good thing in my life right now. Without him, I'm afraid I wouldn't be here to be posting this. Love is so strange, but here I am, deeeeep in it. People say love hurts. Love doesn't hurt. Pain hurts. The fact that he's the most amazing person on the world and I would do anything for him doesn't hurt, that's love. The fact he stares off at his girlfriend when he thinks no ones watching, when he calls her beautiful and says he's never met anyone that compares to her, that hurts. But that's not love. Not for me. For him it's love, for her it's love, for me it's pain. But pain is where my expertise lies. Love is foreign and new to me.
When my life comes crumbling down around me a smile of his can put it back together.
When I want to take a knife to my skin, when I want to vomit up my feelings just thinking of how happy he makes me can stop it.
When I was going to thinking about, I talked to him that day, we talked about my previous attempt. I was going to do it. But. He was there me, somehow, the things he said, he understands that my life isn't easy and he's there for me that's what matters. I can't die because one day I'll need to be there for him when he needs it. I just hope it all won't become too much.
He's really the most wonderful that that happened to me and I love him more than anyone else. He is the most trustworthy, kind, smart, nice, compassionate, intelligent, handsome person in the world (yes I can be certain of that even though I have not met everyone in the world...yet). Not to mention he can take my constant mistakes when I say too much or do something wrong...
And the day I'm stupid enough to give him the link to my blog here...he'll prolly forgive me for the 828838838398383773th time :D .....aw I just love him so freaking much....
-Ren
Seventh Post
I lose my self esteem.
I lose my hair.
I lose my nails.
I lose my period.
I lose my high marks.
I lose my energy.
I lose my ability to do sports.
I lose my friends.
I lose my happiness.
I lose my pride.
I lose my sanity.
I lose my nice white teeth.
I lose my sleep.
I lose my money on binge food.
I lose my chances.
I lose my will to live.
I lose my love.
I lose my life.
I lose it all.
All, that is except weight -
When will I loose that?
-Ren
I lose my hair.
I lose my nails.
I lose my period.
I lose my high marks.
I lose my energy.
I lose my ability to do sports.
I lose my friends.
I lose my happiness.
I lose my pride.
I lose my sanity.
I lose my nice white teeth.
I lose my sleep.
I lose my money on binge food.
I lose my chances.
I lose my will to live.
I lose my love.
I lose my life.
I lose it all.
All, that is except weight -
When will I loose that?
-Ren
Tuesday 11 March 2014
Sixth Post
I think that earth is hell.
People always say that you either go to heaven or hell. But have we considered the possibility earth is hell. I mean, depression, anxiety, PTSD, abuse, bulimia, anorexia, cutting, rape, murder, torture - all of these exist on earth...isn't that hell?
Look at the Nazi concentration camp experiments and Unit 731 for example. Torture, endless, brutal torture, to children, men, woman, innocent people that never did anything wrong. Isn't that hell?
Look at people like you and me with bulimia, or maybe anorexia, cutting, a bit of depression. Suicidal thoughts. Inside us lives torture. My heart aching. I'm in pain. Torture. Isn't that hell?
The world is brutal, and cruel, we are tempted with what we most want - skinny girls as thinspo, food unhealthy chock full of calories and sooo available and welcoming, love only to have it one sided, happiness to be lost, money but not ours - and it's stolen away from us by the wicked grip of life. And we expect there to be something worse after this? This is hell enough...
And then there is what we are tempted with...if we have this, this is heaven. Are heaven and hell both together upon earth, in mutual existence? If we get all we like it's heaven, if you're an outcast like one of us it's hell. But then comes the question of why me? Why succumb me to this torture, isn't it unfair? What sin did I commit? What did I do wrong? Why am I as fat ugly and hideous as I am?
So do heaven and hell coexist on the earth we live on?
Honestly, we'll never know.
But all I know is. I'm in hell right now and there's no getting out.
-Ren
People always say that you either go to heaven or hell. But have we considered the possibility earth is hell. I mean, depression, anxiety, PTSD, abuse, bulimia, anorexia, cutting, rape, murder, torture - all of these exist on earth...isn't that hell?
Look at the Nazi concentration camp experiments and Unit 731 for example. Torture, endless, brutal torture, to children, men, woman, innocent people that never did anything wrong. Isn't that hell?
Look at people like you and me with bulimia, or maybe anorexia, cutting, a bit of depression. Suicidal thoughts. Inside us lives torture. My heart aching. I'm in pain. Torture. Isn't that hell?
The world is brutal, and cruel, we are tempted with what we most want - skinny girls as thinspo, food unhealthy chock full of calories and sooo available and welcoming, love only to have it one sided, happiness to be lost, money but not ours - and it's stolen away from us by the wicked grip of life. And we expect there to be something worse after this? This is hell enough...
And then there is what we are tempted with...if we have this, this is heaven. Are heaven and hell both together upon earth, in mutual existence? If we get all we like it's heaven, if you're an outcast like one of us it's hell. But then comes the question of why me? Why succumb me to this torture, isn't it unfair? What sin did I commit? What did I do wrong? Why am I as fat ugly and hideous as I am?
So do heaven and hell coexist on the earth we live on?
Honestly, we'll never know.
But all I know is. I'm in hell right now and there's no getting out.
-Ren
Fourth Post
Is it just me?
Am I the only one who looks at the thinspiration pictures and sees hip bones, collarbones, flat stomach, thigh gap and knows they would die to get that?
Am I the only one that tears up a little when I see skinny girls and would die to look like them?
Is it just me that sees the thinspo's and would do any work out at all to get that but knows I can because I'm so physically drained from the vicious vomiting cycle of B+P?
Is it just me?
I'm not the only one who eats like a pig despite the fact my stomach is tight, am I?
Is it just me that eats food like there's no tomorrow?
Does anyone else raid the cupboards everyday searching for something to binge?
Am I the only one that shrugs and pretends not to know when everyone asks "where'd the food go"?
Does anyone else feel like screaming when someone comments on their food intake?
Is it just me that vomits at home, school, other peoples houses, restaurants and more?
Does anyone else know that they are slowly dying of an eating disorder but refuse to stop because they're too fat to be bulimic or anorexic?
Am I the only one that bawls to sleep every night as I look at the vomit in my hair, the stench of stomach acid seeing off of me and the scars down my legs and arms?
Is it just me that scratches myself until I bleed to numb the pain?
Am I the only one that admires my blood on shards of glass?
Is it just me that would die if anyone found out about my bulimia or saw my scars?
Is it just me? Am I the only one out here? Am I?
I wish I was.
No one, no one deserves a pain like this.
Except me. Being the fat fat fat gross ugly disgusting piggish stupid whore-bag slutty useless waste of life stupid gross loser ugly fat bitch I am, I deserve it all.
-Ren
Am I the only one who looks at the thinspiration pictures and sees hip bones, collarbones, flat stomach, thigh gap and knows they would die to get that?
Am I the only one that tears up a little when I see skinny girls and would die to look like them?
Is it just me that sees the thinspo's and would do any work out at all to get that but knows I can because I'm so physically drained from the vicious vomiting cycle of B+P?
Is it just me?
I'm not the only one who eats like a pig despite the fact my stomach is tight, am I?
Is it just me that eats food like there's no tomorrow?
Does anyone else raid the cupboards everyday searching for something to binge?
Am I the only one that shrugs and pretends not to know when everyone asks "where'd the food go"?
Does anyone else feel like screaming when someone comments on their food intake?
Is it just me that vomits at home, school, other peoples houses, restaurants and more?
Does anyone else know that they are slowly dying of an eating disorder but refuse to stop because they're too fat to be bulimic or anorexic?
Am I the only one that bawls to sleep every night as I look at the vomit in my hair, the stench of stomach acid seeing off of me and the scars down my legs and arms?
Is it just me that scratches myself until I bleed to numb the pain?
Am I the only one that admires my blood on shards of glass?
Is it just me that would die if anyone found out about my bulimia or saw my scars?
Is it just me? Am I the only one out here? Am I?
I wish I was.
No one, no one deserves a pain like this.
Except me. Being the fat fat fat gross ugly disgusting piggish stupid whore-bag slutty useless waste of life stupid gross loser ugly fat bitch I am, I deserve it all.
-Ren
Third Post
Hey,
So soon I guess I'm gonna get more people on here. One day.Which may be a good, or a bad thing.
I just wanna say: Pleaaaaaase don't become bulimic because of what you read here or any other thinspo site for that matter...it would kill me. More than anything else kills me. So please....I beg you do not vomit, well at least not intentionally we all make mistakes. Don't starve either. Or cut. Or be sad. Just...be happy okay. This blog does NOT support the pro-mia or pro-ana lifestyle. If I have not made that clear enough, than please leave my blog asap.
***
Some random facts about me that I gotta get out there:
I use the back of my toothbrush, because my gag-reflex is beginning to leave. And I feel like I can go farther down to trigger it using a toothbrush. I've been bulimic since the month I turned 12. That's.....1 year and 6 months. I'm afraid I'll never be able to stop. I can't control myself around food. I vomit about 5 times a day I'd say on average. I vomit even if I tell myself not to, there is that little voice in my head that's uncontrollably prevalent. The best I've been off was 6 days....which I'm proud as hell of. I vomit blood sometimes, and pass out. I. hate. bulimia. - almost as much as I hate myself. I'm fat and ugly and stupid and gross and unworthy and a slut and gross gross gross. No one loves me. The first time I cut I scratched myself until it bled then kept scratching that wound until I couldn't take it...then repeated that many many times. I also cut with a glass shard when I want a clean line and more blood. I cut on an average 5 times a day for a while. I have two rectangular patches (maybe 2 inch by 1inch) on my upper thighs that are completely cut and scarred over numerous times. I also have a scar on my arm and two on my right hip-bone. I get bad flashbacks and nightmares. I hope that if I know you, you're not reading this btw...it probably means I died.[edited: well I guess you're reading this anyway....sorry if it's tmi, but you asked for it]
-Ren
So soon I guess I'm gonna get more people on here. One day.Which may be a good, or a bad thing.
I just wanna say: Pleaaaaaase don't become bulimic because of what you read here or any other thinspo site for that matter...it would kill me. More than anything else kills me. So please....I beg you do not vomit, well at least not intentionally we all make mistakes. Don't starve either. Or cut. Or be sad. Just...be happy okay. This blog does NOT support the pro-mia or pro-ana lifestyle. If I have not made that clear enough, than please leave my blog asap.
***
Some random facts about me that I gotta get out there:
I use the back of my toothbrush, because my gag-reflex is beginning to leave. And I feel like I can go farther down to trigger it using a toothbrush. I've been bulimic since the month I turned 12. That's.....1 year and 6 months. I'm afraid I'll never be able to stop. I can't control myself around food. I vomit about 5 times a day I'd say on average. I vomit even if I tell myself not to, there is that little voice in my head that's uncontrollably prevalent. The best I've been off was 6 days....which I'm proud as hell of. I vomit blood sometimes, and pass out. I. hate. bulimia. - almost as much as I hate myself. I'm fat and ugly and stupid and gross and unworthy and a slut and gross gross gross. No one loves me. The first time I cut I scratched myself until it bled then kept scratching that wound until I couldn't take it...then repeated that many many times. I also cut with a glass shard when I want a clean line and more blood. I cut on an average 5 times a day for a while. I have two rectangular patches (maybe 2 inch by 1inch) on my upper thighs that are completely cut and scarred over numerous times. I also have a scar on my arm and two on my right hip-bone. I get bad flashbacks and nightmares. I hope that if I know you, you're not reading this btw...it probably means I died.[edited: well I guess you're reading this anyway....sorry if it's tmi, but you asked for it]
-Ren
Second Post
What a binge is.
I'm hungry, hungry. Ravenous. I need food. Need food, now. Right now. Immediately. I must wait. There's people home. Once they leave. I'll be free. I'll eat. Finally. They're gone. To the kitchen. I run. Food. There's ice cream. I grab a spoon and eat it out of the tub. I eat more, more, more. It's empty. Dripping down my chin. I'm still hungry. I look through the cupboards. A tin of chilli. I microwave it and eat cookies as I wait. I don't taste, I just eat. I eat the chilli. It's supposed to serve five. That's not what matters. I eat it anyway. Kraft dinner. I eat that too. Then I spoon jam out of the jar. Olives. Pickles. Lunch meat. Anything, everything. It cures my aching soul. I need it. I need it more than I need air. I need it, now. Food. Leftovers, lasagne. I eat it all. All of it. More. Still hungry. Chips. Food. More. As I'm eating peanut butter in delicious, goopy spoonfuls out of the jar, I walk to the computer. Turn on music. Eat to the music. Eat more. Running low on food. Low on food. More. More. More. More. Brown sugar out of the bag. Yes. Eat that. Choke on it. Too dry. Chug water. More. Chug two. Stomach packed tight. Need more. More. Eat as much as I can. What time is it? An hour already? I fall to my knees. Packed tight with food. I can't walk. I crawl upstairs. My stomach hurts so so bad. I reach up momentarily and grab my toothbrush. Down my throat it goes. The food comes up. Hungry. But better. More of it comes. Chunky and wet. There's something red...is it blood? Difficult and painful. Next time I'll know better not to eat the chips and peanut butter. I say that every time. I vomit until I see bile. Then I'm done. I go to the sink. Rinse off. Flush toilet. Go downstairs. Clean kitchen. Moms home. "What did you do when I was gone?" I smile. "Watch TV."
Based off my experiences....
-Ren
I'm hungry, hungry. Ravenous. I need food. Need food, now. Right now. Immediately. I must wait. There's people home. Once they leave. I'll be free. I'll eat. Finally. They're gone. To the kitchen. I run. Food. There's ice cream. I grab a spoon and eat it out of the tub. I eat more, more, more. It's empty. Dripping down my chin. I'm still hungry. I look through the cupboards. A tin of chilli. I microwave it and eat cookies as I wait. I don't taste, I just eat. I eat the chilli. It's supposed to serve five. That's not what matters. I eat it anyway. Kraft dinner. I eat that too. Then I spoon jam out of the jar. Olives. Pickles. Lunch meat. Anything, everything. It cures my aching soul. I need it. I need it more than I need air. I need it, now. Food. Leftovers, lasagne. I eat it all. All of it. More. Still hungry. Chips. Food. More. As I'm eating peanut butter in delicious, goopy spoonfuls out of the jar, I walk to the computer. Turn on music. Eat to the music. Eat more. Running low on food. Low on food. More. More. More. More. Brown sugar out of the bag. Yes. Eat that. Choke on it. Too dry. Chug water. More. Chug two. Stomach packed tight. Need more. More. Eat as much as I can. What time is it? An hour already? I fall to my knees. Packed tight with food. I can't walk. I crawl upstairs. My stomach hurts so so bad. I reach up momentarily and grab my toothbrush. Down my throat it goes. The food comes up. Hungry. But better. More of it comes. Chunky and wet. There's something red...is it blood? Difficult and painful. Next time I'll know better not to eat the chips and peanut butter. I say that every time. I vomit until I see bile. Then I'm done. I go to the sink. Rinse off. Flush toilet. Go downstairs. Clean kitchen. Moms home. "What did you do when I was gone?" I smile. "Watch TV."
Based off my experiences....
-Ren
First Post
Hi.
I'm basically your normal teenage year old girl except for the abuse and bulimia and self-harm.
You can call me Ren. But that's not my name... Here's my blog. I may or may not have it for a long time....whether I do or not, it's a good place to rant as I can't do that with anyone else.
Here's my story. I was abused by my father and a girl my age for quite a while (verbal, sexual, neglect, all that fun stuff) which lead to depression and other issues.
Years later, after the abuse stopped I read a book about bulimia. And I liked it. I thought it would be a simple way to loose weight that I could get out of quickly. No chance. Once it got too much, I cut.
Year and a half later here I am. Bulimic. One, two, five, ten, fifteen times a day I eat. And vomit.
No one knows.. Other than my one close friend and my true love (who is dating another girl which really breaks my heart but I can't do anything about it except of course lose weight)
Suicide is not at all out of the question....
But I'm not getting help anytime soon.
I'll be posting my feelings and tips and maybe one day someone who knows me will see this and will decide that maybe I need therapy....
...
Please, one last thing. If you haven't started bulimia or cutting already, don't. There's no point, it will ruin you. This blog is only to be read by people who have already started, who understand. Well, here we go...
-Ren
I'm basically your normal teenage year old girl except for the abuse and bulimia and self-harm.
You can call me Ren. But that's not my name... Here's my blog. I may or may not have it for a long time....whether I do or not, it's a good place to rant as I can't do that with anyone else.
Here's my story. I was abused by my father and a girl my age for quite a while (verbal, sexual, neglect, all that fun stuff) which lead to depression and other issues.
Years later, after the abuse stopped I read a book about bulimia. And I liked it. I thought it would be a simple way to loose weight that I could get out of quickly. No chance. Once it got too much, I cut.
Year and a half later here I am. Bulimic. One, two, five, ten, fifteen times a day I eat. And vomit.
No one knows.. Other than my one close friend and my true love (who is dating another girl which really breaks my heart but I can't do anything about it except of course lose weight)
Suicide is not at all out of the question....
But I'm not getting help anytime soon.
I'll be posting my feelings and tips and maybe one day someone who knows me will see this and will decide that maybe I need therapy....
...
Please, one last thing. If you haven't started bulimia or cutting already, don't. There's no point, it will ruin you. This blog is only to be read by people who have already started, who understand. Well, here we go...
-Ren
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