Honestly, I don't know if you'll ever see my blog. Maybe someday. And if you do, I have to thank you. You saved my life. I was going to die. I attempted suicide, failed, and when I was going to try again, you saved me. I don't know how to thank you. Literally, it means the world to me, everything that I'll ever be able to do in life is because of you. Without you I wouldn't be here. I'll thank you everyday if my life because without you that day wouldn't exist. You mean the world to me, and now you made my world exist so I just don't know what to say. I'm so sorry for putting this on you as well, you have enough with a cutting girlfriend and all. I really shouldn't have came to you, and I feel terrible about it, but I guess it was worth it. You saved me. I love you. I love you so so very much. Just thank you, how will I ever make it up to you? I love you.
(Not posting my fake name this time)
And to everyone else who reads this blog. Yesterday someone saved my life. He saved me. Honestly he's the best, I can't describe how much he's done for me. I would be gone without him. I just can't describe, I think I'm in shock but I just love him, he saved me. He saved me..
Ren
Thursday 13 March 2014
help me
Everything's hurting right now and I don't really know what to do it just hurts so bad, everything is wrong I can't find one thing right left in the world. When I see myself sometimes I just ask 'how the fuck did I turn out like this, where did I go wrong' and I just don't know what to do, I don't know I what to do....I'm so lost and alone and empty right now, it's so hard, it's killing me I don't understand, I can't take it anymore it's all too much please someone help I'm so lost. No one gets it, no one cares, even if they say they care they don't. I'm so fucking lost right now. I feel like my life is coming to an end. I don't know what to do...no one loves me and I'm just dying please I'm dying it hurts so much it all hurts it's all crashing my whole life is falling apart I'm lost and hopeless and endlessly in pain it doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense please someone care about me please oh my god what is happening this hurts oh dear gosh it hurts why why why why why why why oh god oh god please please why is this happening let it stop oh my gosh no no no no no I'm in so much pain I'm so scared someone fucking save me I don't know what to do I don't know what to do. I'm just just good enough of a person for anyone to care it's too much I'll never be saved oh please someone help me.
Please Someone Care, Please
Once again I feel like no one gives a shit about me. This feeling is becoming all too familiar. And no one gets eating disorders, they don't. Cutting is all some big ass shit to them, but eating disorders...nahhh nothing much. No way you can compare those things. But what the literal fuck. Eating disorders...they're just as bad, or worse.
I'm so lost right now.
It's insane.
I'm all alone.
Please, someone read this and comment just so I feel one person gives a shit.
I'm lost.
No one understands.
And even if they do, they don't care.
Help me please.
Ren
I'm so lost right now.
It's insane.
I'm all alone.
Please, someone read this and comment just so I feel one person gives a shit.
I'm lost.
No one understands.
And even if they do, they don't care.
Help me please.
Ren
Why
Why can't I be perfect?
Maybe if I was he would like me instead but I'm not. I'm not.
But she's perfect and everything about her is just amazing he loves her and then I'm just a fucking fat-ass that no one likes.
Maybe if I were perfect I wouldn't have to sit in front of the toilet everyday and purge up all that I ate, maybe I would be skinny and pretty without bulimia.
Is it bad that I want to switch to bulimiarexia because maybe then at least I'd be skinny enough to have an eating disorder...but I'm not.
If I were perfect I could eat whatever I want whenever I want without people looking at me like the pig I am. If I was perfect I wouldn't have scars up and down my legs, but you what? I like my scars. I want more. If I was perfect, however, they would be gone because if I were perfect my life wouldn't fucking suck the way it does now. If I was perfect maybe someone would love me, maybe anyone would love me. Just one person, that's all I ask. Ugh if I were perfect I wouldn't be so fucking stupid.
Maybe if I were perfect my father wouldn't have abused me, he would have been proud of me he would have had no reason to call me all the things he did, and do all the things he did. If I were perfect he would have treated me like his own child, I'd have two parents but if I had a kid as fat ugly disgusting stupid wasteful hideous coward idiotic loser asshole bitch fucking waste of life as I was, I'd hate them too. So he's really not to blame.
I want to starve myself.
I want thin.
I want pretty.
I want perfect.
And if I don't get perfect, I'll get as close as possible - skinny.
-Ren
Maybe if I was he would like me instead but I'm not. I'm not.
But she's perfect and everything about her is just amazing he loves her and then I'm just a fucking fat-ass that no one likes.
Maybe if I were perfect I wouldn't have to sit in front of the toilet everyday and purge up all that I ate, maybe I would be skinny and pretty without bulimia.
Is it bad that I want to switch to bulimiarexia because maybe then at least I'd be skinny enough to have an eating disorder...but I'm not.
If I were perfect I could eat whatever I want whenever I want without people looking at me like the pig I am. If I was perfect I wouldn't have scars up and down my legs, but you what? I like my scars. I want more. If I was perfect, however, they would be gone because if I were perfect my life wouldn't fucking suck the way it does now. If I was perfect maybe someone would love me, maybe anyone would love me. Just one person, that's all I ask. Ugh if I were perfect I wouldn't be so fucking stupid.
Maybe if I were perfect my father wouldn't have abused me, he would have been proud of me he would have had no reason to call me all the things he did, and do all the things he did. If I were perfect he would have treated me like his own child, I'd have two parents but if I had a kid as fat ugly disgusting stupid wasteful hideous coward idiotic loser asshole bitch fucking waste of life as I was, I'd hate them too. So he's really not to blame.
I want to starve myself.
I want thin.
I want pretty.
I want perfect.
And if I don't get perfect, I'll get as close as possible - skinny.
-Ren
Wednesday 12 March 2014
Twentieth Post
When you're in love people say that you lose possession of your heart, and leave it in the hands of the one you love. They can choose to cherish or break it.
He has my heart.
But he has hers too.
And while he delicately cares for hers, and gives it his attention and love.
He leaves mine, lying, empty and hopeless.
I don't think he means to.
But he has my heart, with no chance of return soon, and he's forgot about it.
It is collecting dust, second best to the one who he exchanged with, and now I'm left alone.
Hopeless. But not shattered, not fully. Cracks are spreading like a spiderweb across my heart and slowly getting nearer and nearer to the point of no return.
All that can fix it, is his love.
The only thing he cannot offer is his love.
Now I'm waiting until he realizes what he means to me or it's too late and my irreplaceably broken heart, to tack on to my list of issues.
Sometimes it breaks completely and he does just enough to patch it up to save me from next time, but I want true love, not this.
-Ren
[im so sorry you have to read this :(((]
He has my heart.
But he has hers too.
And while he delicately cares for hers, and gives it his attention and love.
He leaves mine, lying, empty and hopeless.
I don't think he means to.
But he has my heart, with no chance of return soon, and he's forgot about it.
It is collecting dust, second best to the one who he exchanged with, and now I'm left alone.
Hopeless. But not shattered, not fully. Cracks are spreading like a spiderweb across my heart and slowly getting nearer and nearer to the point of no return.
All that can fix it, is his love.
The only thing he cannot offer is his love.
Now I'm waiting until he realizes what he means to me or it's too late and my irreplaceably broken heart, to tack on to my list of issues.
Sometimes it breaks completely and he does just enough to patch it up to save me from next time, but I want true love, not this.
-Ren
[im so sorry you have to read this :(((]
Good and Bad Foods to Purge
Good: Ice cream. Definite number one. Unhealthy. Delicious. Easy to purge. And liquids and tasty and doesn't taste like normal vomit. It comes up easy and sorta brings up stuff with it.
Hot chocolate. Yes yes yes. Better coming up then going down.
Anything liquid.
Soup and oatmeal. Though not as tasty as other foods, I find.
Shredded cheese. It comes up in globs, I dunno, it's pretty good.
Cereal (what are those ones with the colourful marshmallows that comes up the best in one glob all easily) with milk or not, either way works.
Anything like with a ton of liquid really.
Rice and noodle-y crap.
Anything cheap in bulk....we can make exemptions for price :P
Colourful stuff. For the fun of course when you have rainbow vomit :DD
Coke, sprite, fizzy drinks, simplify it coming up.
Milk and yoghurt.
Bad: Bread and similar products. It's so hard to get up, and I'm sure we've all seen that think, lumpy mass of mucus-y waste that was once bread that we busted our ass to vomit out.
Chips. The sharp edges.
Melted Cheese. Apparently it lines your stomach and makes it harder to vomit.
Peanut butter. Ever had to vomit a whole jar?? Oh the pain...
ANYTHING RED. If you're vomiting red food, and there's blood in your vomit, you'll never know. Similarity, if you eat something red you don't recall, then vomit it, you'll think it's blood.
Spicy food. Hurts like a mofo.
Meat. I've heard of numerous people dying from vomiting meat...it's very easy to choke on. But it's no big issue for me :)
-Ren
Hot chocolate. Yes yes yes. Better coming up then going down.
Anything liquid.
Soup and oatmeal. Though not as tasty as other foods, I find.
Shredded cheese. It comes up in globs, I dunno, it's pretty good.
Cereal (what are those ones with the colourful marshmallows that comes up the best in one glob all easily) with milk or not, either way works.
Anything like with a ton of liquid really.
Rice and noodle-y crap.
Anything cheap in bulk....we can make exemptions for price :P
Colourful stuff. For the fun of course when you have rainbow vomit :DD
Coke, sprite, fizzy drinks, simplify it coming up.
Milk and yoghurt.
Bad: Bread and similar products. It's so hard to get up, and I'm sure we've all seen that think, lumpy mass of mucus-y waste that was once bread that we busted our ass to vomit out.
Chips. The sharp edges.
Melted Cheese. Apparently it lines your stomach and makes it harder to vomit.
Peanut butter. Ever had to vomit a whole jar?? Oh the pain...
ANYTHING RED. If you're vomiting red food, and there's blood in your vomit, you'll never know. Similarity, if you eat something red you don't recall, then vomit it, you'll think it's blood.
Spicy food. Hurts like a mofo.
Meat. I've heard of numerous people dying from vomiting meat...it's very easy to choke on. But it's no big issue for me :)
-Ren
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